The Way It Is by Robert D. Dangoor
1. AS WE have moved from the old millennium to the new one, and it is predicted that in ten years everyone will own a computer, could we possibly be turning from the rat race into the mouse race?
2. TELEPHONE calls have always begun with the question: ‘How are you?’ But with the mobile phone revolution, it is always followed by another: ‘Where are you?’
3. A SCHIZOPHRENIC patient is told by a nurse, ‘So you hear voices, such as your name being called out!’ The patient replied, ‘Well at least I don’t answer to somebody else’s name.’
4. I WENT to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, ‘That’s all right, just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.’
5. WHEN I walk in the street I get asked the time so many times that I now reply, ‘What time is it? It is the time you have spent. And the time you have achieved. And the time you are!’
6. I ASKED my secretary how many words per minute she did. She replied, ‘80’. I asked, ‘On the computer or on the telephone?’
7. PEOPLE go green with envy because they think the grass is greener on the other side.
8. YOU cannot fight everyone but you can make everyone die of laughter.
9. A FRIEND is someone who is afraid of letting you down but never does.
10. IF YOU have no problem, you’ve got a problem.
11. I went into a pub and asked the barmaid whether they did Cash back. To my surprise she replied, ‘Actually sir, in the trade we call it Kick Back!’
12. BETTER the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t but he cuts deeper.
13. NOTHING is free except what comes from within you.
14. THERE’S no such thing as an open and shut case unless you’ve lost the key.
15. IF SOMEONE who is strong attacks someone who is weak he is weak.
16. HATE is entwined with love.
17. FOR SALE / TO LET or to bargain.
18. IF YOU ask for something you have to say Please, if you want to get something you have to please.
19. YOU cannot buy happiness but you have to pay the price.
20. YOU don’t judge how rich someone is by how much money he has but by how much he wants; the less he wants the richer he is.
21. YOU’RE young as you look… and you’re still looking.
22. WHEN you lend money to a friend you usually lose your friend plus interest.
23. IF SOMEONE deliberately overcharges you by a little, pay him a little more.
24. YOU have to cry before you can laugh.
25. ALL’S fair in love and war but you’ll have trouble keeping her and you’ll lose the peace.
26. WHEN you advertise something make sure that what you are advertising is generally well known - NOT including yourself.
27. WHEN you’re in the smallest room of the house you’re nearest to God.
28. WHEN you employ a secretary be prepared to let her be privy to your secrets.
29. WE are like amoebae - perpetually changing partners.
30. TRUE love is never being apart but suffering while you are.
31. A BARMAID pours out a pint of lager for a customer in our local pub and she puts it down on a day-pass ticket on the counter. When the customer picks up the pint the ticket sticks to the bottom of the glass. So I commented to the customer: ‘You’ve got a ticket to ride!’
32. I’M looking at Sue. Sue’s looking at Tom. Tom’s looking at Kathy.
33. DON’T bite the hand that feeds you unless you’re taking the poison out of the hand.
34. ASK me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. I won’t make an allusion to the illusion.
35. I KNOW I love you. You know I love you. Let’s compromise.
36. THE other day I ordered a pizza. When the delivery lad arrived at my door I couldn’t help wondering whether the L-sign on his bike was for his riding or his cooking!
37. BEFORE we can wave the handkerchief, we have to have a cold.
38. IT’S the real thing but there’s little difference between reality and unreality.
39. YOU’RE an angel from any angle.
40. TELL someone you love that she has something on her lips and then kiss her.
41. NON-ALCOHOLIC to his girlfriend, ‘I’ll only drink wine from your lips.’
42. GIRLS at the seaside: Too young to handle, too old to hold.
43. DON’t get personal with personnel.
44. MOTHER - there’s no other.
45. A FRIEND in need is a fiend indeed.
46. WHERE’S my pen? Why is the stationery never stationary?
47. ARE you seeing him? Well, usually I close my eyes when I do it.
48. TO A Valentine: I know it’s meant to be a secret but I had to secrete it from my heart.
49. A TAX is money levied on a person’s property, business or pleasure. A TAXI levies money to get to a person’s property, business or pleasure.
50. HOME is where the heart is but the blood runs faster.
51. YOU can’t fool all the people all the time but you can fool some of the people some of the time and make a living.
52. CHILDREN are our future but they remember the past.
53. A PRISONER is committed for punishment whereas a sovereign is committed for privilege.
54. YOU may do anything, but it’s up to you if you can.
55. YOU have to pay the price for the prize.
56. CELEBRATE in defeat and you’ll get victory.
57. GOD helps him who helps himself but you have to help others before you can help yourself.
58. WE ALL profit from a prophet.
59. THE duty of the tenant is to pay the rent. The duty of the landlord is to collect it.
60. YOU don’t have to worry when you are carrying £1,000 but when carrying £1.
61. TRUE democracy is allowing freedom for others even though it reduces one’s own.
62. TO BEAT the system you have to do it systematically.
63. WHAT’S the damage waiter? Financially or medically?
64. THE buck stops here now! Please invest it wisely.
65. YOU have to get to the bottom of the ladder to get to the top.
66. SOMEONE with a dog asked how far it was from A to B. I told him 15 lamp posts.
67. YOU have to do the trick to get the treat.
68. NOT this, not that but both.
69. MUSIC is the food of love but don’t disturb the neighbours.
70. HE wouldn’t hurt a fly because he couldn’t catch it.
71. IF YOU make a statement you get lots of questions.
72. DOCTORS sometimes have to doctor the facts.
73. IT’S NOT ugly if you understand it.
74. ON A TILL… Till death do us part.
75. YOU’RE emotion in motion.
76. MORE work is done under the table than on top.
77. I DON’T discriminate. I just don’t like anyone who is not like me.
78. MONEY doesn’t grow on trees. It comes from them.
79. YOU have to adapt to become adept.
80. ‘TO BE or not to be.’ - happy with a cigar, perhaps contented.
81. SERVICE NOT INCLUDED but if you ask nicely we might consider it!
82. WHEN will humans ever be humane.
83. PEOPLE get annoyed waiting for their turn in a queue but everyone’s turn comes.
84. PEOPLE hear what comes out of a fruit machine but don’t hear what goes in.
85. CRAZINESS in the heart is being over enthusiastic to one person. Craziness in the mind is being over enthusiastic to one world.
86. GIRL says, ‘I said no and I mean no!’ Boy to Girl, ‘No?’ Girl, ‘Yes!’
87. PERSON with money belt. He asks a girl ‘Do you want Love or Money?’ Girl replies, ‘Since you have 2 hands i’ll have both.’
88. MOSES with a staff tries to part the Red Sea. He tries 3 times with no success. He then thinks to himself, ‘I can’t get good staff these days!’
89. BEING born is like being shot and asked questions later.
90. IT’S GOOD to talk… it’s better if you have it in writing.
91. WHEN I first saw you my blood pressure rose… I’m waiting to fall in love with you.
92. COURTING couples - are caught in the middle.
93. IN AN emergency dial 999. If you can’t get through dial 10.
94. NOTHING is new but every situation is new.
95. YOUR wish is my command but I wish you’d tell me what you want.
96. THE ones you cannot get passed - are the closest to you.
97. MADMAN - laughing at the rain because he’s getting a free shower.
98. DREAM lover - the one you do not touch.
99. PORTER - Reporter.
100. SOMEONE who is always right - the trouble is when he is wrong.
101. PSYCHIATRIST - He finds you guilty before you’re proven innocent but he helps you to become innocent.
102. PEACE will be achieved by bribing each other.
103. ONE of your smiles will take me miles.
104. YOU have to be JUST in it to win it.
105. MAD - he plays it by ear.
106. YOU have to sacrifice something to get everything.
107. LATE person - someone tells him ‘You’re late!’ He retorts, ‘Someone will be later than me.’
108. MILLIONAIRE - I’ll keep the one and you keep the noughts.
109. WHY don’t you make a mistake with me?
110. SEX is Life and Life is Sex but it’s not everything.
111. HOW can one person be in two places at once? By being thought of by
two lovers.
112. YOU have to pay the fee to be free.
113. FORGIVE and let them remember.
114. I LOVED your lingerie but why did you make me linger?
115. FOLLOW your most critical follower.
116. BLACK cab driver - you don’t choose him, he chooses you.
117. WHY? Because!
118. MY PROBLEM is that I love everyone.
119. TEACHER - he should learn as much as he teaches.
120. WATER: You shed tears. Alcohol: You shed fears.
121. SECURITY guard - it doesn’t matter how strong he is as long as he is secure in his mind.
122. HERE comes the next custom… I mean customer.
123. LOVE hurts - hurt loves.
124. YOU learn from your friends but you learn more from your enemies.
125. I HAD to have a depression to make an impression.
126. YOU have to be hard to get the good stuff.
127. DREAMS are free until they become a reality.
128. I’M not a warrior - I’m a worrier.
129. HIGH Commissioner - He charges the highest interest.
130. WHEN I saw you I had to check my pupil was in line.
131. POSSESSIONS possess you.
132. IT IS a male who becomes the heir but it is a female that breeds him.
133. AIR stewardess - one kiss and whoosh she’s gone.
134. CLEANER - She doesn’t get rid of the dirt, she moves it somewhere else.
135. If YOU’RE an agent - it is hard to be a gent.
136. SHE’S a free lady but expensive.
137. DON’T be jealous, be zealous.
138. DON’T take it personally - take it personably.
139. STICKS and stones may break my bones and words do hurt me - so I write poetry.
140. IT TAKES years of experience not to let a property.
141. MONEY has no permanent owner.
142. IF SOMEONE asks you for directions be sure you know where you are.
143. THE market will be moving before we’re moving house!
144. ‘ALL YOU think about is money and women!’ ‘No. I only think of figures.’
145. THE WORD is mightier than the SWORD.
146. WHAT is a property manager’s duty? To prop up the property.
147. THE more tenants there are in the flat the later the rent gets paid.
148. I WILL not fight with him. Why not? Because we have nothing in common.
149. BEEN there. Done that. But how do you get back there?
150. ALMOST everyone has a mobile telephone nowadays. Few people listen.
151. THERE’S good in everyone - you just have to get the goodness out of the bad.
152. WHEN boxers retire they then take one fight at a time.
153. THE old get younger, the young get older.
154. A RAILWAYMAN was training to be an actor but he forgot the lines.
155. RELIGION brings man closer to God, but separates man from man.
156. YOU’RE simply the best because you bring out the best in me.
157. HAVE you gone back to your boyfriend? No I’ve even forgotten his phone number!
158. A PSYCHIATRIST will try to get you better but he doesn’t give you injury time.
159. ITS the man who holds the money bag -but it’s the woman who pulls the strings.
160. A PSYCHIATRIST confirms what you find out after years of looking.
161. I ASKED a property manager if he was busy. He said ‘No! But that’s because we’re fully let!’
162. THERE’S always a yoke in a joke.
163. WHEN two are in love they have I to I contact.
164. UNREQUITED love - overblown friendship.
165. WHERE’S Postman Pat? He’s patting on someone else’s door!
166. DIET with your mind.
167. UNDERNEATH a white lie - is a black truth.
168. WHERE do the lads get broke? Ladbrokes.
169. WHAT do you give someone who has everything? HAPPINESS.
170. IT’S A small world. We should make our problems small.
171. SIGN on a toilet being refurbished - WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
172. ONE must get home - but that’s when the trouble starts.
173. DEPRESSION - you’ve got to go to it and through it.
174. WHEN you back a horse who’s going to back you?
175. PEDESTRIANS are hardly pedestrian because we all have to cross the road.
176. WE are all beggars - begging for forgiveness.
177. WITH a mobile phone you can reach any part of the world for a certain amount per minute. God reaches you wherever you are for free.
178. I DID not take viagra because I thought my girlfriend might change her mind.
179. IF something is kept aside for you, it’s usually difficult to find.
180. BRANSON is making a fortune out of his virginity.
181. VIOLINS are played with a bow. VIOLENCE is played with an arrow.
182. WHY are special days called BANK HOLIDAYS? That’s because the banks can go on holiday with the interest they charge their customers for the money they borrow for BANK HOLIDAYS.
183. TAKE bitterness with a pinch of salt.
184. WHEN you don’t have a friend in the world - befriend yourself.
185. I WANT to get the sweat off my brain.
186. HOW long is a piece of string? It depends where you cut it.
187. I’M A wanderer and a wonderer.
188. THERE’S always one bad apple - but they spread.
189. UB40 - I’d rather not.
190. IT COULD be you! It is!
191. INSURE your life with your life.
192. DO IT by example because it’s ample.
193. TRUST or you will rust.
194. WHEN you lose one sense you gain another.
195. BETTER to teach someone who knows nothing than someone who knows everything.
196. ISLAND. I LAND.
197. MEDIUM is the message but sometimes you have to go to the extreme to get what you want.
198. IT’S not what you look like, it’s who you feel.
199. ANTI-PERSON. ANTI-ANTE. You have to go against what’s gone before.
200. DUSTBIN to passer-by: ‘I refuse nothing.’
201. IF YOU shut up one day you’ll shout.
202. AT THE beginning Man took one step at a time but now we are running so fast that maybe we’ll have to go back to the beginning.
203. A PRIEST is thinking about putting money in a traffic meter. A passer-by advised him: ‘It’s a good cause!’
204. CAN you do me a favour? What flavour!
205. TALK to yourself. No one else will listen to you.
206. MUM never tells me I’m lying - she just says I’m not telling the Truth.
207. YOU have the greatest contact with someone who you don’t know when you will contact next.
208. SOMEONE who says something against people again and again - the last time refers to himself.
209. I WAS affected by your beauty. Please tell me the effect.
210. READ the instructions - but sometimes you have to break all the rules.
211. EVERYONE is psychic - everyone has a side-kick.
212. YOU only find out who’s going with whom when they’re mugged.
213. NOW that Benson & Hedges will no longer be appointed by Her Majesty, the Queen, how will a normal citizen be able to die for his or her country?
214. QUALIFIED doctors give you prescribed drugs. Unqualified doctors give you
natural drugs.
215. ‘YOU’RE embarrassing me’. ‘I didn’t want to do that. I just wanted to embrace you.’
216. ‘WHERE are you going darling?’ I’m just going out to get the milk.’ ‘Well I just wanted you to know that I will always love you.’
217. WHEN in doubt, do nought except write poetry.
218. PRETTY girls slip through your fingers because they’re so smooth.
219. IF YOU befriend a book and you don’t return it - you’ll lose your friend plus interest.
220. THE reason that Ex-President Clinton is so well known all over the United States must be because he is well acquainted with the zip-code.
221. IS THAT a friend with inverted commas or an exclamation mark.
222. FATE is like hitting a goal post - it either goes in or out.
223. RESIDENTIAL or business? Is there any difference.
224. YOU are my pillow - the feathers in you make me fly.
225. WHILE he handles her, she’s controlling him.
226. SAVE your soul by using your sole.
227. YOU have to have principles because you are the principal.
228. LIFE is a game on the field, but mainly it is off the field. All our bodies eventually end up under the field, but our souls rise up way above the field.
229. NEVER mind the famous people, it’s enough to deal with people I know.
230. IF THERE is an inaccessible road - a taxi driver will find it.
231. A MANAGER hands a new employee a mobile phone and says, ‘You will be able to be contacted at any property you will be working at, in an emergency.’ The employee asked what the the phone was called. He replied, ‘Mobile.’ The employee cheekily answered, ‘You don’t mean Immobile!’
232. ARE you happy? No, but I know someone who is.
233. DON’T interfere with what you can’t change.
234. EVERYONE yearns it - but you have to learn it before you can earn it.
235. WHAT’S in a name? What’s your aim?
236. ‘I’M going to the loo,’ Toodeloo!
237. WHEN you start a dance you are two but you have to dance as one and when the dance ends that’s when the trouble starts.
238. WHERE the sun don’t shine - but flowers eventually grow.
239. AT a wedding a bachelor comments, “Another one bites the dust!’ Another bachelor comments, ‘Is that all there’s left - dust?’
240. WHEN you get friction you get fiction - you cannot believe it!
241. IF YOU are looking at the stars - you have to have one foot on the ground.
242. LONELINESS is a hard cell.
243. CASHMERE - mere cash.
244. MOBILE phones can still be Walkie Talkies because when you want to talk to them, you have to walk out.
245. BUILDER by a skip trying desperately to break a chair. He’s told. ‘I’ll bring one of our tenants to show you how!’
246. NO ONE is indispensable - except the one next to you.
247. THESE things are sent to try us - and we’re usually found guilty.
248. ARE you talking to me? No, I’m talking to the whole world but you’re the one nearest to me.
249. (On a cheque) £1,000,000 only.
250. SOMEONE complains, ‘Only half of me is O.K.’ Passer-by retorts, ‘You’re half way there!’
251. Don’t RIDE on your PRIDE.
252. WHEN borrowing a book, a library card is like a credit card but your mind is credited and your bank balance is not debited.
253. Instant FAME. Instant FLAME.
254. GP - God give me patience! Private Doctor - God give me patients!
255. JENNY - Spinning jenny.
256. IT DOESN’T matter what the colour of your skin is - What matters is the colour of your heart.
257. PEOPLE are preparing for the leader of the Opposition for a Charity Party. There is a cheap-looking coat-rail put up. Someone comments, ‘That’s for the Shadow Cabinet!’
258. HOW long is yours? No ft, no comment!
259. SOMEONE thanking a bottle water cooler company says, ‘It even does the burping for me!’
260. MOTHER doesn’t know best… but she knows.
261. If YOU drink and drive what you swallow might exhaust you.
262. THE world started going mad since Adam ate the apple.
263. THERE are different ways of interpreting something… depending on which way you look at it.
264. A SCENT from my love is worth a million dollars.
265. WHEN you have din-dins there’s a lot of noise.
266. A PATIENT tells his doctor, ‘I can’t hear properly. I must have wax in my ear.’ The doctor asks ‘Which ear?’ The patients answers, ‘This year!’
267. WHY do I annoy you? It is the only way that you will have something to remember me by!
268. WHAT do people in Millionaires’ Row do? Row!
269. THE secretary tells the gardener, ‘The flowers have died. It’s not good enough!’ The gardener replies, ‘These flowers are seasonal.’ A passer-by interjects, ‘So are women!’
270. IF YOU generalise - you become a general.
271. FUNNY ha ha, funny peculiar. You have to be peculiar to get the laughs.
272. WHEN two people don’t understand each other, they have to speak the same language.
273. NO per chase necessary!
274. TO BE lonely may be regarded as a misfortune. To be alone looks like carelessness.
275. A BANK clerk tells a customer, ‘Can you give me your mother’s maiden name and your date of birth.’ The Customer replies, ‘Oh! I’ve never known my mother. Please tell me!’
276. ITS historic but we don’t know the story.
277. IF YOU want to be a dictator - first type a letter.
278. SUCH beauty cannot be resisted.
279. DEMOCRACY is a majority of votes. CAPITALISM is a majority of notes.
280. TO SOMEONE who has just had a BUDWEISER: Bud are you any the wiser?
281. A GIRL tells me she is having a nose job. I comment, ‘As long as nobody knows!’
282. PEOPLE say: Nothing is as useless as an out of date paper but have you tried to get one when you needed it!
283. BUY a book… and book yourself into another world.
284. MIRA mira on the wall who is the most beautiful of them all.
285. THANK YOU for facilitating the felicity.
286. I ONLY hate you because you’re so good.
287. THEY go topless on that beach. Can you touch them to see if the rest of the body works.
288. I’M ALLERGIC to everything. “That’s because you’re so good”.
289. WHY are bridegrooms called bridegrooms? So the bride can groom the bridegroom.
290. TO YOUR mother: “I love you not because of who you are but what you are.”
291. TO SOMEONE whose birthday is on April 1st “You must be a fool to think that I would forget your birthday.”
292. THE POWER of President George www.bush reaches far and wide.
293. AS GOODNESS is good, so is badness bad.
294. TO SOMEONE eating an apple, ‘Don’t you like your doctor?’
295. MY DOCTOR said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be alright”. I told him there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world. He replied, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”
296. IN JERUSALEM, neighbours are but a stone’s throw away from each other.
297. MY WIFE lives in Shepherd’s Bush but my girlfriend lives in Shepherd Market.
298. I WANTED to borrow £1.20 to buy the Sunday Times that includes the Rich List to see if I was in it.
299. TO SOMEONE with more haste than speed. She asked if she is going in the right direction? “Yes you are but in around about way!”
300. MAKE light of day and develop the pictures at night.
301. ARE you a member? I can’t remember.
302. BREASTS go up and down but they have a stable foundation.
303. ARE YOU a teetotaller? No, I just drink tea.
304. IT’S SIMILAR but opposite.
305. IF YOU hear a whistle you have to check whether it’s from NATURE or HUMAN NATURE.
306. ‘HERE’S the bill, sir.’ ‘I prefer the billet, actually.’
307. SOMEONE in Bondi Beach writes to his family in London: ‘You must be getting soaked in London, we’re getting wet in the Sea’.
308. PEOPLE from Chile always blow hot & cold.
309. DRINK brings out the truth in people. But if you drink enough it will drown you.
310. MERCI. Mer/sea.
311. MAKE sure that when you make a label, it can come off because things can change.
312. I’M SO happy, I need to be with a depressant.
313. WE ARE all aiming to make an ami.
314. IN A HEALTH farm in England there are a lot of stars… but no sun.
315. WHEN a man sees a beautiful girl in a bikini on a chaise longue, there’s always a long chase.
316. I’M TRYING to be happy without being sad.
317. YOU BLEND well with the sun.
318. THE SUN comes out of your eyes.
319. I LIKE her, but we have different viewpoints. Sometimes its good to come from different angles.
320. I LOVE you more that you can feel.
321. WHY do Spanish people always say “si si.” Because they are looking forward to their summer holidays.
322. LIFE is not all lies but it’s laced with a bit of Truth.
323. CHURCH services were delayed so they didn’t clash with England’s first World Cup game with Sweden on a Sunday morning. Surely they should have been made earlier, so England would have had a chance of winning.
324. PASSING my local pub, I was surprised to see a sign above the door saying “Live here!’ Do football fans take their sleeping bags and camp by the TV?
325. OLDER men always split hairs because they don’t have much left.
326. A STRANGER has a bigger range than a non-stranger.
327. TO A BLACK cab driver: I wanted to go from A to B not A to Z.
328. WHAT price rice?
329. FOR every sound we make we have to pay the price with silence.
330. AN AUDITOR ‘listens in.’
331. MANNA/MANANA.
332. ‘I KNOW everybody hates me.’ ‘You’re right. But they hate everybody else just as much.’
333. AN AUTHOR puts across his authority on his readers.
334. YOU don’t have to use a revolver to have a revolution.
335. ALL holidays to Spain are now ETA protected.
336. THERE’S always someone worse off than yourself.
337. IF YOU can dance, you cannot be a dunce.
338. INTIMATE/INTIMITATING.
339. ADVERTS avert the customer.
340. CATERING staff are like waves, they change time after time.
341. SAVOUR/savoire faire.
342. LONG-TIME relationships go on and off.
343. I LOVE getting lost in a department store.
344. THE one who gets the last price doesn’t always get the first prize.
345. I APPROACHED one of these luscious babes who wear appropriately short T-shirts and told her: ‘Since you’ve shown me your belly button, I’ll show you mine.
346. WHEN Henman retires as a player he will be a great coach, because at the moment he’s making all his opponents look like stars.
347. DON’T be a MUG. Give a HUG to the one next to you. So we can get rid of this BUG (Cancer).
348. AT my local pub there is a poster that reads: ‘Book now for Christmas.’ But someone has written at the top of the sign: ‘Read the…’
349. A WRITER is asked, ‘But do you make money?’ The author replies, ‘No, but I do make honey.’
350. A WRITER is asked, ‘But do you make money?’ The author replies, ‘No, but I do make notes.’
351. THE ball is round. The world is round. For 4 weeks in 4 years we saw everyone have an equal chance. Why not forever?
352. I WENT with 6 friends to Kensington Palace to view the Queens’ Dresses. When I paid £70 to the cashier, I said that I had hoped that would secure Prince and Princess Michael of Kent’s lodgings for another week.
353. AS I WAS returning from buying 10 packets of serviettes at an economical price, I passed by my local DIY shop. The shopkeeper was standing outside and asked, ‘Why didn’t you buy the serviettes from us?’ I answered, ‘Ah yes, but these are kosher serviettes!’
354. THERE are many ways to heaven.
© Robert D. Dangoor 2011
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